Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Positive Zombie Mode

So here it is, the first of many blog entries to come. I plan on being very honest...sharing every raw emotion and every unedited thought. Like it or don't, I don't care because I know it's real.

My reason for starting this was so people could see a little more into this life we are living. It's busy and hectic and sometimes miserable, but at the end of the day we really are just two people in love trying to find our place in the world.

Since this has happened I've had a lot of people tell me how great I'm handling everything, or how strong I'm being. Obviously anyone would love to hear how amazing they are and of course it does my pride/ego some good, but at the end of the day when I think about it, I don't  feel like I'm doing anything special or extraordinary. I'm loving my husband, through good and bad, sickness and health. I'm honoring my vows. I might just be naive in thinking that anyone in my shoes would be doing the same thing, but  I'm not doing anything that on April 25th, 2010 I didn't vow to do. I love my husband, and I'd follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked me to.

Besides, here lately I've had a few days where I just wanted to lay in bed and pout about life; and there isn't anything special or extraordinary about that.

I know on Facebook I've seemed like a mindless, emotionless zombie only seeing the positive side of this tragedy, but believe me, that is not the case. I cry daily, I get mad hourly, and I'm terrified every second of this journey. I'm convinced I've got some crazy post traumatic stress stuff going on just like Garrett. I have flash backs and cold sweats and anxiety attacks just thinking about getting that awful phone call, having to tell his parents, that whole week he was in transit from Afghanistan to the States, seeing him in the hospital for the first time, and watching him scream out in pain knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help him. Those are the moments I'll never forget; they are the memories that haunt me. There are times when I look at whats left of my husbands legs and wonder why the hell this had to happen to such an amazing man, to MY husband, why us? It doesn't make sense and it's not fair.

But life isn't fair, and this is the life we've been given. We are still as happy as we have always been, maybe even happier, and our relationship is stronger than I ever thought.  I might not see it now, or I might never see it, but I know God's plan is here in this madness somewhere. My husband is strong and determined and pretty darn stubborn, and I have no doubt that if anyone can handle this, it's him. And if you don't know him...I feel sorry for you. ;)

While I was writing this, I remembered something funny that I had forgotten. Right after I got "The Call," my first reaction was to pack a bag and get to his parents as fast as I could. After I got myself together as best as possible, I threw what I could in a bag and was out the door in less than 10 minutes. Later that night, I realized all I had packed was a tooth brush and about 8 pairs of socks. I guess I was worried about my feet being cold and having bad breath. Lol