Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Positive Zombie Mode

So here it is, the first of many blog entries to come. I plan on being very honest...sharing every raw emotion and every unedited thought. Like it or don't, I don't care because I know it's real.

My reason for starting this was so people could see a little more into this life we are living. It's busy and hectic and sometimes miserable, but at the end of the day we really are just two people in love trying to find our place in the world.

Since this has happened I've had a lot of people tell me how great I'm handling everything, or how strong I'm being. Obviously anyone would love to hear how amazing they are and of course it does my pride/ego some good, but at the end of the day when I think about it, I don't  feel like I'm doing anything special or extraordinary. I'm loving my husband, through good and bad, sickness and health. I'm honoring my vows. I might just be naive in thinking that anyone in my shoes would be doing the same thing, but  I'm not doing anything that on April 25th, 2010 I didn't vow to do. I love my husband, and I'd follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked me to.

Besides, here lately I've had a few days where I just wanted to lay in bed and pout about life; and there isn't anything special or extraordinary about that.

I know on Facebook I've seemed like a mindless, emotionless zombie only seeing the positive side of this tragedy, but believe me, that is not the case. I cry daily, I get mad hourly, and I'm terrified every second of this journey. I'm convinced I've got some crazy post traumatic stress stuff going on just like Garrett. I have flash backs and cold sweats and anxiety attacks just thinking about getting that awful phone call, having to tell his parents, that whole week he was in transit from Afghanistan to the States, seeing him in the hospital for the first time, and watching him scream out in pain knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help him. Those are the moments I'll never forget; they are the memories that haunt me. There are times when I look at whats left of my husbands legs and wonder why the hell this had to happen to such an amazing man, to MY husband, why us? It doesn't make sense and it's not fair.

But life isn't fair, and this is the life we've been given. We are still as happy as we have always been, maybe even happier, and our relationship is stronger than I ever thought.  I might not see it now, or I might never see it, but I know God's plan is here in this madness somewhere. My husband is strong and determined and pretty darn stubborn, and I have no doubt that if anyone can handle this, it's him. And if you don't know him...I feel sorry for you. ;)

While I was writing this, I remembered something funny that I had forgotten. Right after I got "The Call," my first reaction was to pack a bag and get to his parents as fast as I could. After I got myself together as best as possible, I threw what I could in a bag and was out the door in less than 10 minutes. Later that night, I realized all I had packed was a tooth brush and about 8 pairs of socks. I guess I was worried about my feet being cold and having bad breath. Lol


  1. I can't even imagine what you are both going through. This is the most honest post I've seen in a long time, from someone who lives it everyday. I don't know what I could do to help, but if you would tell me, if it's within my power, I would! I'm a selfish ole granny, my marine grandson is in Afghanistan and I hate it. I don't want him to be a hero, I don't want him to sacrifice, I just want him to be home safe with us. Your Garrett sounds amazing and so do you. Keeping your vow as a wife is not always the easiest road to follow, I admire your strength to just keep trudging the road. Stand tall woman! You've earned our respect.

  2. Hi Courtney~ I can't say it enough- Thank you both, for your sacrifices. I have so much respect and admiration for you and your husband. I love the idea of you sharing your experiences with all of us in a blog. How amazing are you, for allowing us to peek into your world... It can't be easy.

    Here's a little proverb for you: Share a burden, lighten the load. Share a joy, double the happiness <3 So please, lean on us, cry with us, vent to us, and share with us... we're all here for you. Thank you for all you've done. I look forward to following you on this journey. All my best {xoxo} JCC

  3. I think your living every military spouses nightmare. I think putting it down for others who live outside this military world is great. I wish you all the best & hope you have all the continued support you need on your new normal.

  4. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and everything going on, both the good and the bad. People need to know, so thanks for being willing to being honest and share. There are so many people loving and supporting you... and you ARE doing an amazing job, every single day. ((hugs))) and prayers, from one military wife to another.

  5. This is a wonderful post. I look forward to helping Mooresville welcome you both home!! You are both amazing and thank you for allowing us into your lives and along this journey with you. I hope to be able to meet you both. Stay strong and cannot wait to read more about your journey. Thoughts and prayers from our family to yours. And just remember God will not give us more than we can handle.

  6. God bless you, Courtney. You guys are giving us something to believe in.

  7. Your courage & strength, your honest feelings & emotions, and your love for Garrett are a testimony of a woman of true character. You're traveling a road that few understand, and by sharing your feelings with us we will know how to best lift you up in prayer. I can't imagine the ups & downs, the progress & setbacks, the joys & disappointments, and the hard work for Garrett to heal. I pray so very sincerely for you both!!!

  8. Hi Courtney,
    I am Jimmy's Mom, (Jimmy is the Corpsman you met in Bethesda). Please know that since I heard about Garrett, you two have been on my mind and in my heart, and there isn't a day I don't think about your family and say a prayer for ya all. I know that it is by the grace of God that Jimmy returned home from 2 deployments and I made a promise to pay that back anyway I can. I'm here in Pennsylvania, so if there is anything and I mean anything, please let Jimmy know when you are in Bethesda, and I can be there in an hour.Bless you both...

  9. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Courtney. I have been following Garrett's journey through Facebook and praying for him. What an amazing man he is as well as the men he serves with. Keep on loving that man of yours! When you come back to Bethesda, please let us know if you or Garrett have any needs that are not being fulfilled. I am in Northern Virginia and can be in Bethesda within an hour with whatever you need. Give a shout out to me if there is another one of our wounded warriors or their families in need and I will try to be of service. Hugs and prayers to both of you.

  10. Hi Courtney, I am Lcpl Aaron Means' mom. Since first hearing this story, I have been following you both. My prayers are going up daily for the both of you. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but the strength I see in Garrett is heart warming. My dad served in the Marine Corps, it was he who inspired Aaron to join. Dad was injured in Viet Nam, ended up having his neck fused. I am thankful every day that there are men and women willing to sacrifice for our freedom...and that includes the military spouses. If it weren't for those wives and husbands that keep the home fires going, our loved ones would not be able to defend our country the way they do.

    If you need anything, anything at all, please feel free to contact me. Even if it's just to hear a friendly voice. I pray that one day I will get to meet you both.

    God Bless You!

  11. That brought many tears to my eyes, but the last paragraph made me giggle. Bless you and your husband. Stay strong.

    A Marine Mom

  12. God Bless you, your both in my prayers. I never thought my first combat experience would be at home caring for my wife after shooting herself in the chest after multiple suicide attempts via drug overdoses. Doctors prescribe these drugs with little knowledge of their effectiveness or effects on the body. She went home to be with the Lord March 2010. We were in counseling to reconcile our marriage and family. I found her deceased in her bed with my daughter on the phone from Amman Jordan walking into the house with the police. I have no support from my family and no support from my Unit, I find any help or consolation. I simply work 24/7 to keep myself busy and my mind occupied, I want to cry all the time. I pray for Gods grace to sustain me and its only because of him I am still alive.